Last month I went for my routine cardio doppler scan and check up with my cardiologist and things were basically the same old, same old. My congenital heart defect is still there. It’s not worsening, which is a good thing, but it’s not going away and I found out, sadly, never will go away entirely. Resigned.
I’ll just have to make my peace with the potential ticking bomb inside of me, not knowing the severity of the “big boom” when it hits or my chances of survival rate and or its aftermath effects on my body or my brain. I’m not trying to be overly dramatic, it’s just the way it is for me. Not knowing when the “big one” might or might not happen is something I have been working on accepting, during this past year and not allowing it to rule every waking minute of my day. Difficult.
I can’t even bear to say or write down the “heart boom” word because that life changing or even life ending event, really, honest to God, scares the poopers out of me. That maybe future life event of mine brings out the most intense emotions of anger and grief I’ve ever experienced at myself and I’m ashamed to write, mostly at God. Why me, I sit and ask him, a believing, good, striving to be worthy person? Immaturity.
This health prob of mine … fun, it is not … but something I have to suck up, deal with, and go on. What other choice do I have? Sink into a crying and petrified depression, gripping my rosary beads ever tighter, flipping through the pages of my bible frantically and bemoaning my current health status to God? No, I’ve been there and those pitiful episodes are just a loss of my valuable, maybe, limited time. So, what other choice do I have but to go on, because that is God’s plan for me, to go on and yes, through it all I still believe. Unshaken.
A new development learned at this doctor’s visit has been a significant weight gain. Now, I wish I could just blame the up-ticking on the scale to my new heart and blood pressure med’s but I know, as the doctor explained to me, that the med’s are not the sole culprit. Time for this crafty crocheter to get honest in this blog confessional. The reason behind my weight gain has been largely the consequence of my years and years-old cookie i.e. sugar habit and recent sedentary lifestyle brought on by the inertia producing pity for my current health condition. Pathetic.
Basically, too many cookies and not enough intense cardio sweating sessions. Sure, I go on a leisurely spin on the stationary bike in my bedroom while perusing Pinterest or stretch it out slowly with a Yoga DVD, but honestly, those two activities do not even compare with the intense runs and spinning classes I use to do a few years back. Which, I have discovered, I did, while, unknown to me, I had this heart condition. Acceptance.
Now, I would like to blame my slowing down the cardio intensity solely on my heart condition and not feeling up to par. Perhaps, at first, the heart palpitations and dizziness were obstacles, but quickly I used my congenital heart condition as an excuse to not move at all or baby myself to a slower running pace or stop moving altogether, because I preferred feeling sorry for myself and anxious over my future health. Truth.
Basically, I threw up my hands and said, “All those years of healthy eating and vigorous exercise to be benched by a genetic heart problem. The heck with it all. What was the point?” On being diagnosed and medicated for this heart problem of mine, I opted for the “Seize the Day – Carpe Diem” approach, which for me meant, “Seize the Cookie and the Cupcake and the Donut.” Whoa.
No surprise the pounds packed on and last week I found out I weighed as much as I had when I was pregnant with my daughter, almost 16 years ago. I have to do something about this weight gain, not according to the doctor but according to what I know is not a healthy state of living for me. I can not just pop another cookie or bake a little loaf of bread and spread some butter and jam on it and have that with a seemingly gallon size cup of coffee with a whole lot of cream added for good measure, and all the while wondering and fretting how my heart, body and I got to this point. Realization.
I’ve set the goal of losing 20 pounds by my 49th birthday, which is in April, 2016. Yes, I’ll be one year away from the big 5-0, half a century and all. Blah, blah, blah. Losing 20 pounds would put me at around 140 pounds and for my height, which is 5 feet, 6 inches, that would make me, I think, not too skinny but not too large. If things go well enough, I might even shoot for 130 pounds, which I haven’t weighed since my hard training days in college. Weightloss, my mid-life little red corvette. Determined or Disillusioned. I choose….Determined.
I know that losing 20 pounds may not sound like a whole lot compared to all the stories out there of people losing 100 pounds or more. And some, I’m sure ,will easily chalk up my weight loss goal to another vanity goal for this Stay At Home Mom and snarkily laugh at me. Yet losing 20 pounds would be a HUGE accomplishment for me because it would be more than just a fat loss goal. Courage.
I’m close to fifty years old and I think I’ve gleaned some little splinters of wisdom from the crosses I’ve borne through my life’s journey. Sometimes, our dreams and goals don’t have to literally ROCK the World, SAVE the ENTIRE Planet, have a million and two social media followers or “likes”. Sometimes the most impactful goals can be the ordinary, smallish, but oh so important dreams of one individual human being … like extending one’s life just a bit longer, adding to its quality, just a teeny bit, so that one can see our children graduate from High School, go off to college, meet the adults they’ll grow to be, hold our life partner’s hand on a stroll on the beach or in the woods when both our hair has turned completely white and our steps are tenuous but still tied to each other that only a shared life can accomplish, and yes, breathe in the many sunrises and sunsets that one person still has left to see. Authentic.
So, in keeping with my resolve to my #20PoundProject, the Love2Bloom blog will no longer be known as, “Crochet, Craft and a Cookie”. Rather, from now on , it will be known as Love2Bloom, “Crochet, Craft, and Some Cardio”. Reinvention.
I’ll post about my progress here on the blog and most likely more updates with the hashtag #20PoundProject on my Instagram and Twitter accounts. I don’t know what else to write, but to say … We will have to see how it goes and that I really do pray this goal of mine doesn’t tank. My heart is counting on it. Hopeful.
x-o,
Mona